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Dear Yud Alef Nissan niggun composers,

’Tis the season. The hallways of the dormitories are alive with the sound of song. Your roommate’s fingers dance over the keys of his Korg-XYZ as he taps out the notes of your newly composed tune for this year’s “Yud Alef Nissan niggun.”

You stand alongside him, wearing headphones, bobbing along like a pigeon, trying to simultaneously stay on beat and read the unfamiliar words of the upcoming kappitel.

“Yerushalayim — habotchim baHashem… No, no, from the top. Habotchim behar Tziyon….”

You want it to sound perfect. Professional, but not like a song — keeping those chassidish undertones. Your shoulders are raised as you sing the chorus one more time. After all, this might be THE NIGGUN.

You want it to be perfect.

But dear niggun maker, there’s something I think you should know.

You’re tone deaf.

It’s that simple. You can’t sing. You can’t carry a tune.

And on another note (no pun intended), you need kriah lessons too. You can’t read.

And so I’ll keep it short. My advice to you is:

Just don’t.

Nobody appreciates it. You’re embarrassing yourself in front of anyone who knows you — or potentially will get to know you. Why someone would release such disturbing content for the world to consume, using their own name, is beyond me.

Your niggun will never be chosen. Just save yourself the heartache.

Instead of the two months before Yud Alef Nissan being absorbed by creating a song that will only be ridiculed, maybe get a kriah teacher and learn how to read the new kappitel so you can say it every day.

Sincerely,

TJ