“What is in your hand, Berle?” 

That’s too loud. It’s waking up the house. It will wake up Shim’l. It’s not a key, no, Totty, there’s nothing in my hand. I’m not holding anything. 

“A key.”

“A key to where?”

I was quiet.

He extended his hand. Totty’s face was reddish yellow from the candles. He had dark brown creases on his forehead. And his beard was mostly black, except for a few lines of grey. The cufflinks were missing from his sleeve. I placed the key in his palm.

He removed his glasses and brought the key close to his face. I heard his breathing. He looked back at me, for I don’t know how long. Elter zeidie’s candle was between us.  His eyes had darkened, and watered a little. He narrowed them, looking past the flame. The edges of his lips were pulled down. 

“Berle.”

I said nothing. 

He placed the key on the table and he shook his head. I put my hands in my pockets. He lowered his head, looking back into his sefer.

I stood quietly, waiting for my father to tell me something. Tell me, how I did wrong. Tell me how I went into your room and took the key from under your pillow. But he was silent, and learning.

The next day, I didn’t speak much. On the way to shul, Totty was quiet, and Shim’l kept stepping on my shoe, and he laughed.

During the meal, I looked at Mommy. When we made eye contact she looked away. 

When Totty said the Dvar Torah I stood up. When I went into the hallway, I turned towards Mommy and Totty’s room.

Totty, you didn’t tell me anything. Maybe he wanted me to get the key again. Oh, for sure Totty knows that I deserve it.

Inside, there was Mommy’s sheitel head, that made me shiver. The beds were not set so neatly. I turned around. Nobody down the hallway. I continued inside, I went to the second drawer between the beds. I opened it. There, on top of the papers laid the key. I slipped it into my pocket. I closed the drawer slowly.

When I came back, I kept feeling the key in my pocket. I still remember how many teeth the key had: four teeth and the last had a split down the middle, so really four and a half.

Afterwards, Shim’l asked me if I wanted to play chess. I said yes.

He shuffled the black king and the white king behind his back, then produced two fists. “Pick one.” I picked the right hand. He frowned and opened his hand. Oh my. The brass key in his hand. What is it doing there? Did I drop it? Does he want the blueprints too? 

I squinted, and the blur cleared. It was the white king in his hand. “Berle? Everything okay? Are you starting the game already?” Yes, Shim’l, give me a second. I stood up. I took out the taller glass cup and filled it up with water. “Get me one too, Berle!”

I made my favorite opening. Pawn out and then bishop, then my queen. Neighbor Ben would tell me not to do that. “Taking out your queen early makes you vulnerable,” he would say with his bushy white eyebrows going up. 

I won the game. Shim’l flipped the board. Shiml, I said. His head turned in every direction but he didn’t look at me. His eyes were red. 

“Shim’l. Listen to me. Maybe one day you will be better than me.”

I knew that wouldn't happen.

The clouds moved away and finally there were rays coming through the window.

I went outside and sat down on the grass. The sky had formed streaks and creases. White lines on a blue paper. I saw the contrast against our big tree with so much yellow. The leaves looked like a school of fish, heads, fins, and tails. And they were trying to escape, tugging in each direction. But they were caught. 

I tilted my head up. Do the heavens have blueprints? Yes. Bobby told me that Hashem has a plan. Did Bobby ever see elter zeidie?  

Through the window of the dining room I could see Mommy sitting back on the leather couch. Her fingers ran through the exposed threads on the armrest. Her eye brows were knitted and her eyes were drifting, her forehead creased.

Totty appeared into view and turned in my direction. Mommy didn’t look up right away when Totty started speaking. Totty started pointing. 

Then, Mommy looked straight at me. I turned around. The door slid open and Mommy was standing there, she motioned for me to come in.

Totty sat in his place by the head of the table. Mommy took a seat and pointed for me to sit across from her.

He looked straight at me. He started speaking.

“Mommy and Totty’s room is off limits. If it happens again, the consequence is Ben’s house.” I looked down. Ben’s house. It was so boring in Ben’s house. I can’t imagine staying in Ben’s house. Under the table, my hands were in my pockets. I was holding the key. Shim’l came out of the hallway into the dining room.

“Mommy. Do you know where Berle went during Totty’s Dvar Torah?” Shim’l said. I turned to Mommy.

“Shim’l. Go back to your room.” 

Mommy turned to me. “Is that clear, Berle?”