Brownlow Hill, Liverpool — 1924

My earliest memory is that of darkness. The first night I can remember, I was sitting in my backyard, alone, and it was so dark. How come we were always last to get light? The grass was dry. I had an easy time uprooting it, one by one. And it was so quiet, except for a huff from neighbor Ben's horse. 

Mommy would slide the door open, and say "Berle, come inside, it's late." I know, Mommy, it was late; those nights I kept you up.

She would watch me, with a worried face, calling me back.  “I don’t like it when you’re outside, Berle.”

But it was only against the starry bare sky that I felt secure. And I thought about a lot. I saw the houses past the white oak fence.  

“You see, everyone is sleeping,” Mommy would tell me when she caught my gaze.

Yes Mommy, everyone is in bed and I’m here. I could not lie in my bed when it was so dark. I had to wait for Donny the lamplighter. 

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Berle, I'm waiting here."

"How come there's light in our neighborhood last?"

"I will light a candle for you, it's late."

"Mommy, the candle will go out."

"I will be there to relight it, Berle."

The mornings were much easier for me. There was light. I could see the flowery swirls that decorated the walls of my room. And I could look up at the blue corbels. I would tell Mommy about them and she would smile. 

And breakfast. The box always had interesting designs. There was only one kosher brand Totty would buy from the grocery. It was Eden’s Roundies. On the back there were designs of gardens, and blue water.

And then I would leave for school. I would turn around and see our house. I saw the arched doorway's fanlight and the pattern of the surrounding bricks. And I saw the dark red matrix of bricks against our gray roof.

"Mommy? Who made our house?"

"An architect."

"What's his name, Mommy?"

"I don't know. Your elter zeidie was an architect. Maybe he would know."

"Mommy, where is elter zeidie?"

Mommy was quiet for a moment.

"He passed away last year, Berle."

Last year. I could've asked the same question last year. I would've met elter zeidie. Why, why did I have to ask now, and not a year earlier?

"Mommy, I want to be like elter zeidie."