Breakfast was always a good time to go to Shim’l’s room. The coupons were usually in a small cardboard box under his bed.

At first, I only wanted to see the designs on them. The picture of the opened stretched umbrella with the letters J.B.

Then I started going to the attic with the coupons late at night. I would try to copy the blueprints. I was never able to. Before morning I always locked the coupons inside with the blueprints and slipped the key back into the second drawer.

On the first blueprint, there was a square. I placed the coupon on top of the blueprint. I saw the square through the coupon. I started tracing. When I finished, all of the lines I drew matched the blueprint.

But when I lifted the coupon, it was different. On the coupon, the last line didn’t come back to the corner where I started. It went to the wrong corner, and the square stayed open. I checked the blueprint. Its last line went to the same wrong corner, too. But in the blueprint it looked right.

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the square from the blueprint. Then I drew it quickly on the next coupon. Every line was right, but it didn’t look like a square anymore. It looked round.

I tried again. This time I used the key to make the lines straight. But after I drew it, the fourth corner was wrong again.

I flipped through many of the blueprints. A lot of them were white designs. I didn’t understand them. I would if I spent more time trying to trace them.

One day after school, I saw Totty speaking with a tall man. His jacket was slim, with light pink diagonal lines decorating it. When he saw me, he bent over and introduced himself as Tod. He shook my hand, and I noticed his silver watch. “What’s your name?” “Berle.” The watch wasn’t completely round, it was a little oval. I wanted to see how the hands moved, if the watch wasn’t round. The hands were shorter. Tod’s arms were short as well. One of them held a notepad. “Nice little boy, Berle,” he smiled. “Berele, Tod is a big bridge engineer. And elter zeidie knew him very well.”

Totty sat him down by the table and offered him tea, and Mummy came in with the dark purple mug and a mini spoon inside.

“So what’s new, Tod?” Totty said. “There’s a fellow up at the steel foundry building a contraption for the clients. They can’t read a drawing, so he wants to show them a picture.” The reflection of his face in his tea showed him smiling. “A picture holds up nothing.”

Pictures are taken with cameras. What do they have to do with building?

Tod glanced at me as if he heard me.

“You know, your son’s face has a certain resemblance, uh,” Tod tapped his finger on his chin, “to, your grandfather.” “Really? In what way?” Totty said. He glanced at his silver watch. “No time for it now, I’m in a hurry.” He set the mug down. “In the bridge, there’s a detail I’d like to double check.”

Maybe the eyebrows. Maybe the green eyes? Maybe the shape of my face?

Tod cleared his throat. “So can I take a look at the manuscript for a moment?” “Sure. Let me bring it down for you now.” The manuscript.

Totty came back to the table with the box and the key. He put the box down and inserted the key. It wasn’t opening. “Flip it over,” Mummy said. This time it opened.

Tod pulled out the first blueprint. His eyes jumped around it. He knew what the shapes were.

On his pad, he drew a square. When he got to the fourth corner his pencil went to the wrong corner, and he didn’t look up. And it looked right, exactly like the blueprint.

How—? I realized the word slipped out of my mouth.

He understood it, so he knew the explanation to everything. He understood me, Totty, Shim’l. Explain to me the cupboard doors that won’t close all the way. Explain the train sounds. Is fire round or flat? Does the mirror know how I look?

He picked up the second blueprint, then he stopped.

“What’s this?” Tod said.

Oh no. I hadn’t moved Shim’l’s coupons. “It seems like some old newspaper coupons got in here?” Shim’l’s missing coupons. All over. On top of all the blueprints. “Interesting,” Tod said, as he held one up, “there’s also a child’s scribbles on the back of the clippings.”

No, not scribbles. I looked at my shoes. They were dark green, and one lace was untied. I knew everyone was looking at me.

Totty whispered in my ear to go to my room. Shim’l came out of the hallway. He cried and cried. He didn’t stop.

I peeked out of the door and Tod was still writing notes.

“Your grandfather told me once,” Tod said, “that the first two blueprints are for the youngest.”

Those were Shim’l’s blueprints. The rest were mine.

Mummy and Totty sat me by the table, after Tod left.

“What did we say? Berle, you are going to Ben’s house,” Mummy said. Ben’s house had an attic. I remembered the last time I was in Ben’s house. It was when Totty learned with him.

“Berle, Ben is a cousin. He’s Mummy’s first cousin,” Totty said. “So he’s related to elter zeidie?” They were quiet. “Berle, did you make elter zeidie smile?” Totty said. I turned to the right side of the table. I thought Tod was there. He knew. Tod, was elter zeidie smiling?

“First, apologize to Shim’l,” Mummy said, “you will never do that again, right? Mummy and Totty can give you coupons also, no need to take Shim’l’s, Berle.”

Ben’s attic only had books. Did he understand the blueprints also?

I went to my room and opened the cupboard. The handle was silver, and it was shaped like a bridge. It was big enough to put four fingers through it. All of the bridges were from Tod. And they came from elter zeidie.

After supper, we heard a knock. Totty opened the door, and it was Ben. He was broad and Totty was small when he stood next to him. His eyes were small and far apart.

He spoke slowly, he was much older than Totty. And he didn’t have a beard like Totty, only a white moustache.

Totty spoke to him quietly. “Don’t worry,” Ben said, “We won’t be playing chess. And yes—” Totty told him something quietly, “I’ll try.”

Totty looked at me. “Ben will tell us when you become ready.”

In Ben’s house everything was white. The cedar table seemed to be the only rounded object, and it had the raw bark on its sides.

Everything was the same, all connected. I couldn’t see the white kitchen cupboards, they were part of the wall.

In my house, the walls were blue. Mummy told me once that white has all the colours. Maybe that’s why it was so hard to look at.

I went to the window of Ben’s living room. It had a tint, I could see my reflection. My eyes had so much green, more than I ever saw before. The middle was a small dot. At home, I had less green and the black was much bigger. Maybe Ben’s eyes were too small?

“Berl,” Ben said, “come to the table.”

On the table there was a blunt pencil and paper. Ben started drawing a circle. It was faint. He pushed harder. He completed the circle.

Under it he drew a line, and another one. The lines made a figure. Then he drew a diagonal line going up, in front of the figure.

“How, Berl, can this man reach the top?” I swiped my finger up the line. “No, Berl. He must carve stairs, or climb slowly, holding onto the rocks.” Not true. If he pulls the rocks they will fall out. And then he will fall. There’s no time to climb slowly and he can’t carve stairs.

I took the pencil and I flipped it over. I erased the figure and drew him on top of the diagonal. 

“Get ready for bed. Tomorrow we are getting up early.”

There was a lit candle on the bedside table in my room. I opened my eyes when the candle went out. It was dark. Through the window, Ben’s horse stood still next to the bare lamp, and the fence shook a little with the wind.

I wanted to go to the attic. Did Ben’s attic connect with our attic? And I would bring the candle. But now there was no candle. I couldn’t go.

I closed my eyes. They opened again. There was nothing to see, except light. Flashing lights of the candle that went out. The brown, the red, the yellow, the white. There were unlit candles everywhere in my room.